More personal insights

What a journey.

Isn’t it interesting the more you find out about yourself, the less you know!

I have recently gained clarity in areas that previously lacked. Clarity on behaviors, reactions, emotions that I think have always been there, but I didn’t pay attention to much of the why they were there. All I knew is I thought everything around me was making me feel unhappy, discontent and generally miserable.

I have always struggled with anxiety, all my life, and always hated it. Why did I have so much anxiety? No one else around me/my family seems to. This anxiety led me to be able barely function in the past.

Whats facinating is I am learning my anxiety goes back to my childhood and abandonment issues. For the first time in my life I have stability, starting to lay roots, and no threat of abandonment, and as it turns out my anxiety is an internal struggle of dissatisfaction; I am not sure how to live with stability, having never had it, so anxiety is like a cry for help, it’s saying ‘pay attention! something is out of alignment!’

I heard a quote, which reminds me of this struggle that I love: “I am grateful for the contrast in my life, as it pushes me to my true needs and desires.”

I find this true. There needs to be some level of discomfort in order to change, grow or progress.

I am seeing these irrational emotional responses unfold in my life now, instead of them happening to me, and me being left in a state of fear, panic and uncertainty.

Now, what I was hoping for was, once I learned of my deep abandonment issues, and finally having stability that these reactions would stop happening. No such luck yet. But I am grateful for the wisdom in seeing them for what they are a whole lot sooner than ever…progress, not perfection.

It is nice to feel like I have the missing key to why I have been so anxious for the last few years, and discontent.

I have also discovered I have not made myself a priority, maybe through fear of what I would find, having to sit with myself. I focused completely on external validation, love and acceptance. Something I am learning I need to be able to provide for myself.

Which leads me to the how. I think it is partly to have faith in trust in God, yourself, and your life. I googled ‘trust’ because, I wasn’t sure how to even start…

I stumbled across: “Trust: to believe in the ability of (something/someone)”. I like that. That I can comprehend.

I am also on a discovery of self-love. What is it? Where do I start?
One thing I keep hearing over and over from people like Anthony Robbins and Abraham Hicks, is to start with your thinking. The negative thinking.

I cannot believe how negative I was, some of the thought patterns I found myself habitually using were: catastrophizing, what ifs, emotional reasoning, seeing everything in black/white only and so on.

What else was interesting to me, is my fears (False Evidence Appearing Real) would seem completely feasible, but when they were diffused, I would immediately come up with another, which at times were ridiculous.

So my lesson I believe is it is just old, negative thought patterns I have developed over 30 years, and might take a while to reverse this habit, like any bad habit.

I do know I feel a lot better when I keep my mind grateful, on abundance not lack.

Which leads me to one more point. Not only do I have stability for the first time in my life, I also subsequently have everything I have asked for as well, that keeps me grateful!

Turning 30 and a whole lot more

What an interesting year. I turned 30 and realized I am not where I thought I would be, and FREAKED.

For a better part of this year, I really didn’t know what was wrong with me, all I knew is I felt an unfathomable
amount of fear, doom, and anxiety. And it scared me, maybe I am going crazy?

Then I discovered just how negative my thoughts have become and how frequent.

I have found I love the works of Dr Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins, Abraham-Hicks, Eckhart Tolle just to name a few, and the secret.

But what I never did was put any of this into practice. I would read & hear about negative thinking and its effects, agree with what they said about creating a reality through our minds and expectations but almost didn’t believe my mind was that powerful. I mean, I am going through some deep sh*t right now! Aren’t I?

Well, what I am beginning to grasp, is what if it’s possible; just possible. What if it’s possible my mind & thoughts can contribute to my negative reality. That’s worth taking a look into, or perhaps even some effort to change, because where I am right now is not working.

I began to ask myself questions, internal questions. Like, what is it I want to do with my life? Where do I want to be? How much do I want to make? And most importantly, what is my life’s true purpose?

I have recently been using affirmations and incantations I have read about, like “The infinite intelligence of my subconscious mind will reveal my true purpose in life”. Or “I am one with God and God is everything”.

I have found if I take just a moments focus off whatever fear I am feeling and if I repeat these; my state of being does improve.

What’s interesting that I am learning now is just how many negative thoughts and fears I have. I expect the worst, think the worst and wonder why I feel this way.

And now that I am catching them more often, it seems there are way more of them! Just being conscious to them is incredible…like they know I am telling them to get out, for good!

I also found out recently what I feel to be my life’s calling. Helping others use the power of their subconscious mind and get over anxiety for good.

Both negative emotions/thoughts (or as my brother calls them ‘negemos’ I love that!) and anxiety have played a role in a lot of destruction in my life. And I am finally able to gain some clarity and shut this stuff down. I was talking to a friend’s Saturday night, offering advice if you will; and it just hit me. I went on about what I have learned, and how it’s helped me for almost 3 hours! It was surreal, like it wasn’t even me speaking. I was excited! And enthusiastic! She was nearly in tears and thanked me for sharing with her.

I then realized right then and there, this is what I want to do.

Now, how do I go about it… I figured I will post here.

For me to stay connected and hopefully for anyone else who may benefit 🙂