What a journey.
Isn’t it interesting the more you find out about yourself, the less you know!
I have recently gained clarity in areas that previously lacked. Clarity on behaviors, reactions, emotions that I think have always been there, but I didn’t pay attention to much of the why they were there. All I knew is I thought everything around me was making me feel unhappy, discontent and generally miserable.
I have always struggled with anxiety, all my life, and always hated it. Why did I have so much anxiety? No one else around me/my family seems to. This anxiety led me to be able barely function in the past.
Whats facinating is I am learning my anxiety goes back to my childhood and abandonment issues. For the first time in my life I have stability, starting to lay roots, and no threat of abandonment, and as it turns out my anxiety is an internal struggle of dissatisfaction; I am not sure how to live with stability, having never had it, so anxiety is like a cry for help, it’s saying ‘pay attention! something is out of alignment!’
I heard a quote, which reminds me of this struggle that I love: “I am grateful for the contrast in my life, as it pushes me to my true needs and desires.”
I find this true. There needs to be some level of discomfort in order to change, grow or progress.
I am seeing these irrational emotional responses unfold in my life now, instead of them happening to me, and me being left in a state of fear, panic and uncertainty.
Now, what I was hoping for was, once I learned of my deep abandonment issues, and finally having stability that these reactions would stop happening. No such luck yet. But I am grateful for the wisdom in seeing them for what they are a whole lot sooner than ever…progress, not perfection.
It is nice to feel like I have the missing key to why I have been so anxious for the last few years, and discontent.
I have also discovered I have not made myself a priority, maybe through fear of what I would find, having to sit with myself. I focused completely on external validation, love and acceptance. Something I am learning I need to be able to provide for myself.
Which leads me to the how. I think it is partly to have faith in trust in God, yourself, and your life. I googled ‘trust’ because, I wasn’t sure how to even start…
I stumbled across: “Trust: to believe in the ability of (something/someone)”. I like that. That I can comprehend.
I am also on a discovery of self-love. What is it? Where do I start?
One thing I keep hearing over and over from people like Anthony Robbins and Abraham Hicks, is to start with your thinking. The negative thinking.
I cannot believe how negative I was, some of the thought patterns I found myself habitually using were: catastrophizing, what ifs, emotional reasoning, seeing everything in black/white only and so on.
What else was interesting to me, is my fears (False Evidence Appearing Real) would seem completely feasible, but when they were diffused, I would immediately come up with another, which at times were ridiculous.
So my lesson I believe is it is just old, negative thought patterns I have developed over 30 years, and might take a while to reverse this habit, like any bad habit.
I do know I feel a lot better when I keep my mind grateful, on abundance not lack.
Which leads me to one more point. Not only do I have stability for the first time in my life, I also subsequently have everything I have asked for as well, that keeps me grateful!